3rd Sector

random thoughts

2011-05-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

i have been getting so many crisis calls lately that my head is spinning. every call i take makes me think about life. my life and the life of the caller and my volunteers. each of us has our own story, each story is epic, sometimes our stories intercept one an others.

i have learned that there is no rhythm or reason to crisis. it seems to come in waves. what causes this? is it weather patterns? the moon? a change in oxygen levels? the stories are sometimes so similar they are difficult to keep straight. i find my self saying no that was the girl that is pregnant, i am talking about the one that...

i can see how each job i have had and each way that i have served has prepared me for what i am doing right here, right now. each step god has directed me to take is a step to what is next. so i wonder what is next?

when i lived in uganda i felt isolation for what may have been the first time in my life. i felt alone.desperate and needy. yes needy in one of the most economically depraved countries in the world. experiencing isolation helped me understand why people make the decisions they do in life. isolation can drive you to make decisions in a way that under normal circumstances you would respond different.

comfortable and in community i know that i am not alone. i have people who i can count on in my life. they make me laugh and smile and love me where i am at.

the common thread with all the families who call me is isolation. they have no one to call, no one to turn to. when judgement starts to seep into my mind when i think of them. i think about how it felt to be alone. i think of the suffocating feeling of isolation. i think of how if one thing had wobbled in my world i could have made some really poor decisions simply out of a need for connection. i think of the sadness and desperation that comes with being alone.

i try to reach out a hand and i try to not let go.

daily grind

2010-12-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

Most days I just go through the motions at work. Coffee. Check. Email. Check. Phone calls. Check the infinite and always growing to do list. Check. Check. Check. Sometimes I forget that I work in the third sector. I forget that what I am doing is for the greater good. I forget that I am not selling cosmetics and alcoholic beverages in a marketing firm. I forget that my work has little fiscal value and that I actually do not contribute to the GDP. I forget that I am in the business of people and this business impacts the lives of everyone involved.

On occasion I hear back from one of our volunteers or a family that is caring for children in crisis. One of my coworkers passed this along. A tiny celebration amongst the hectic holiday season.

If there is ever a time of year which points us to God’s love revealed in unexpected sources, it’s during the Christmas Season. The story of two children of poverty, homeless travelers, dependant on the fickle hospitality of strangers, they make their place in a dwelling appointed to them by God for His purposes. We still peer into that scene of sacred space in Bethlehem to see the Savior revealed in human form.

“There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep. Aren’t any floors for me to sweep, Not in my castle on a cloud”

A Grandmother in San Clemente, California is drawn to a bedroom in the home of her Safe Family daughter. Her daughter and husband and 3 children have opened their home to two homeless sisters, temporarily orphaned. The Grandmother is drawn by the singing of her three grandchildren. They are singing along with the CD of the opera musical Le Miserables.

“There is a room that’s full of toys, there are a hundred boys and girls, nobody shouts or talks too loud, not in my castle on a cloud.”

The two grandsons leading the singing know the musical because their sister Cosette, was named for the young girl main character in Le Miz. If not for this connection of the story to their own sisters, they would have little inclination to pay any attention to the story that Le Miserables tells. These are aggressive, rambunctious boys of 7 and 9 years singing with the young, forgotten orphaned girl on the CD also named Cosette.

“I know a place where no one’s lost, I know a place where no one cries,”

The Grandmother gently opens the door and peeks her head around the door and sees the 5 children in the a circle, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders singing as best they can with the song,

“crying at all is not allowed, not in my castle in the sky.”

Her grandchildren are singing the wordless fears and dreams of these new companions who they want to love. The Grandmother closes the door, unable to look too long on this holy scene. The purity touches too deep inside and she can not even bear to linger long outside the now closed door. Altered by the beauty, she can only mutter the prayer for God to hear, “now I know why they came, now I know why they are here”

There is a castle on a cloud….. which sometimes comes to rest and express in the most unexpected places in the most unexpected ways. This is the Safe Family story.

Life's Lessons

2010-08-08T17:31:00.001-07:00

It has been to long since I have written my ramblings here. I have been busy learning all the lessons that life has brought my way. Mainly learning not to judge. I have been working for a year and a half with families in crisis. It is both a struggle and full filling. There are time of complete sadness and utter joy. I have learned that I am capable of accepting people for who they are and where they are in their life. I celebrate each time a family is reunited. I have discovered that "we" try to force others into the lives that we think they should live. We try to get them to conform to our prescription for perfection without really examining the negative effects that has had on our own lives. Daily I ask God for wisdom and to continue to let me see the world and its people through his eyes and not my own. I am almost appalled at what I am able to accept but embrace each family as they come hurting and broken just as we are, just as I am.

See the world through new eyes

2009-09-28T16:30:00.001-07:00

I recently had a friend visit for a few days. Seeing the world through her eyes made me fall in love with my home all over again.

wanderlust

2009-09-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have been back in the US for almost six months and am just starting to feel the lure of the road. No; that’s not true; I always feel the lure of the road. It’s more than that. I am going to fumble trying to put it into words.

It is a lifestyle that is virtually impossible to attain in the developed world where I am constantly told that I need more and I need to want more and if I don’t want a certain prescribed lifestyle of consumption, marriage, children then I are somehow deviant; not a woman; not human. No to say that the idea of having someone to grow old with doesn’t sound delicious it’s just rare to find someone whom you could possible see that happening with and even more rare that they too have an attachment to the great unknown, to a lifestyle of movement. A modern day gypsy if you will. I try to change. I try to think about living a life of domestic bliss. It really does sound wonderful, but the pull to this other way of living is to strong. It grabbed hold of my soul as a child and won’t let go. No matter how hard I try to cut it loose and find contentment in routine. I am unable to find it however hard I search.

I am starting to think that there is not a way to quench to desire of exploration, if there is would someone please tell me how? I am quite sure I could start popping pills and numb myself with prozac or some other happy pill that makes you forget, that sedates or something that just makes life look a little more colorless. Just as all people can be classified as people who ask why or how; they can further be classified by those who explore the world and those who don't.

I cannot explain what it is or why it hits but when it does I only want to flee to explore to live life in this different way. To have the freedom to move about the planet with out restraint of perceived needs. I have this desire to dig in and attempt to understand new cultures and the delight that comes with finding something new.

I tend to be a runner. I know this about myself. I get scared and I run, usually away from attachments, relationships or emotions that I don’t want to have. I have considered that I am running. I have considered that I am one of those people who just live better and thrive in a perpetual state of chaos. But my current work is chaotic and I have not truly run in years. I think now when I run I am running to things not away from them. Maybe I am running towards home or to an idea that does not exist.

I am fairly content in my current situation. My work is challenging and exciting and I have been enjoying getting to know my niece while spending quality time with my friends. In fact the older I get the deeper my roots become and the harder it is to leave and yet the ache is still there. I know that our time in this world is short. Why not enjoy it while we are here? But then I get this longing in the pit of my stomach. It is similar to home sickness only for places I have never been.

The pains of being technicolor

2009-09-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am Technicolor working in a black and white office and the last few weeks have made me want to smash my head against a wall to ease the pain of frustration.

Then I realized I tend to be someone who looks at problems from a million angels while deducing the best plan of attack. I don’t know how but my simple mind tends to run quickly down a virtual path to see where each idea will lead. It might be my tendency to learn towards mania but I repeatedly find myself naturally leaning towards innovation and the use of technology long before most people.

I think my mind is always creating so if I am not taking photos I am creating new ways to do stuff in my program. Only people here don’t seem to like that. The prevailing attitude is that we have never done things that way, why should we do something new?

What I don’t get is how they could adapt the innovating program I am working to implement and yet refuse to try new ways of getting people involved.

I need coffee and Advil to stop this pounding in my head.

Training Review

2009-08-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

I have been working with a company to develop web based training for my volunteer families. It's looking good but I am sick of reviewing it, it is making my head hurt. I have to watch it from multiple angels and perspectives.

I have a headache and need coffee.

1984 in your face

2009-08-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

Hello Orwellian Prophecy

If i had not read this direct from the white house blog I would have thought for sure it was fanatical paranoia in a chain email, a spoof or freedoms worst nightmare. In fact someone posted a link to a columnist and it seemed so far fetched I decided to investigate. I am floored by what I found and cannot even fathom living in a country where we the people or our representatives have been asked to act as informers as to what we email or through causal conversation in regards to the presidents health care plan.

We live in a country that preaches rights, freedom and democracy but while we sleep blinded by our own fears our government is slowly chipping away at all that we once stood for. The government just asked us to report on each other for stating our beliefs.

I understand the annoyance the chiefs must feel with paranoid and fear inducing fiction that comprises most Netlore. But we CANNOT just submit to the powers that be and turn each other in for voicing our opinions. After all it is opinion and the white house signed up for the job of running this country and all of the headaches that come along with it.

I am sure that the governments "intent" is not to monitor its citizens but if we allow this type of door to creep open when will it stop? How will the information be used in the future will we start being offed at the polls because we speak in opposition?

Now is not the time to be silent, it is the time to use your voice in any way that you can.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/Facts-Are-Stubborn-Things/

Cows

2009-07-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent out a message on facebook asking us if we all wanted to chip in for a cow to buy for a family in Uganda. It took about four hours for us to all chip in. So my friends and I just bought a cow to give to a family in northern uganda. it was so fast and easy why doesnt all funding come with that much ease?

Remebering Uganda

2009-07-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

The Uganda Leadership team at my church decided to host a BBQ for everyone who has ever been or might be interested in going is invited. I am supposed to be putting together a video of all the trips and giving some info on other projects that have been going on.

I think I am subconsciously putting it off because I am a little bit worried about what it might do to my mental state and what sort of feelings it might dredge up.

Caught in Tension

2009-06-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

I usually spend time talking about the work that I am doing in the third sector, or how I am missing or not missing the developing world.

Yes I am still working in the third sector, only right now I am focused on my home country. I am finding myself in a tension point of wanting to grow roots without clipping my wings, dreaming of the intense blue skies and suffocating heat while traipsing through June gloom of costal Orange County. More accurately I have been in this point of tension for the past few years. I find myself trapped in the tension point between having the freedom to follow your dreams no matter where they land you and a longing to have someone to dream with.

I have just been taught to not be public about relationships or thoughts of settling down. Heaven forbid I scare any boys off with talk of commitment or the future. OK so anyone who truly knows me knows I am more skittish that the average male about being tied down but I keep silent just in case someone who reads this might see me as needy and clingy woman with you know, emotions.

So I find myself wanting to lives that appear to be mutually exclusive. What is a girl to do? DO you choose one dream over the other? Do I settle down in the here and now and not worry about the future. What if that person that I settle with is one of those urber patriotic Americans who does not have a passport because “America is the Best country in the world” and of course he knows this because of all the other places he has been using his nonexistent passport.

So I have to keep reminding myself that I am in control, to you know, let go of my control. I want to let go in a leap of faith and make myself available, for who knows what. What is the worst that will happen? I will fail? I’ve failed at a million things. Ok maybe not but I have failed before. The question is. How exactly does one go about letting go?

Monday Reds

2009-05-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

This morning started off with a serious case of the mean reds. Yes, I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's last night and was reminded of one my of favorite fake psychological terms.

I apparently had a sign on my car that said; I am irritated please agitated by not letting me change lanes.

Thank you to all the other jerks on the 405.

Amazing Sushi

2009-05-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

After spending years always moving back and forth between two polar worlds I am finding it rather nice to settle back into a normal if not somewhat predictable routine. I find myself wondering if I will bore of this and am hopeful that I will stay content in the daily monotony that life offers when not on the move.

Part of my daily routine is the gym. Last night a friend met me for yoga, we decided to grab sushi after. I had the most amazing sashimi roll as Sushi on Fire. Go there, eat, enjoy.

Nothing New

2009-05-14T15:31:00.001-07:00

I don't really have anything new to talk about but I was thinking that I should get in the habit of writing anyways and maybe one day I will have something interresting to say again, or maybe for the first time.

Judgmental

2009-05-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

It is not my job to pass judgment. SO why do I find myself judging others? In my line of work this tried and tested almost daily. I wonder how people could not realize that there would or could be huge consequences to their actions. When in a desperate circumstances what is the point that we start making decisions without forethought to the outcome or the consequences that our actions may have? When really none of this has to do with me or what I believe are healthy choices. It’s all about showing Gods love and grace to people who have had everyone loose faith in them, its about “us” putting our faith in them and saying we love you and we are not going to give up on you. We are the last stop; we are the safety net that no one new existed.

Since as far back as I can remember every few years I am challenged to look at the way I view the world and the people in it. A couple years ago this happened again and I was lucky enough to be able to share this story with 12,000 or so people who attended my church the weekend I got to share that I was a judgmental asshole who God changed to see the world through his eyes although, I might not have used that exact phrasing. It was through this time that I saw a drastic change in my photography and that people started to say that I really capture people as they are and that you can see something deeper within them. I fully admit that this is not me at all and that I can barely set the settings on my camera, it is all God and his eyes.

So now I find my judging self being challenged again in entirely new ways with an entirely different set of people, I am learning compassion and understanding on an entirely different level than I have ever experienced it before and I hope that my world view is changed through this.

Really you needed to steal my orange?

2009-04-24T16:23:00.001-07:00

Someone stole my orange right out from under my nose! I have been trying to be economical and healthy. This means I am bringing my lunch to work. I believe they used to call it brown bagging. But I have a cute little bag that doesn’t add to the land fills, come to think of it; it’s brown! Totally beside the point I apologize for the environmental diatribe.

Anyways I started to reheat my lunch. Simple process: Remove lid, put in microwave. Put stuff on empty table. This included an orange, plastic lid and fork. A coworker was scoffing at some left over bagels and bright pink strawberry cream cheese left on a table that should have been a clue to guard my orange with my life instead I decide that I would leave it on the table and go to the ladies room. When I returned my orange was gone!!!

What kind of freak steals an orange that is obviously part of someone’s lunch? I thought I was back in American where you don’t need to guard your food.

Whether it was one of the kids or a coworker I always have to remember to never leave things lying around. After all poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.

10pt font and Complementary Imagery

2009-04-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

I have discovered something rather strange.

I don’t really like WebPages with large images. As a photographer you I would think that I would love to see images all over WebPages but as a web designer…

mmm not so much.

I discovered this as some of my clients keep coming back asking for larger photos and larger fonts. I am arguing over the merit of content vs. imagery and what is comes down to I don’t want to put in large photos it is going to mess up the composition for the entire page nor do I want to increase the font size. There must be a balance to this struggle however I have yet to see a pretty site that uses large photos amongst the text and large font while still maintain a competition pleasing to the eye.

working out in america

2009-04-14T14:16:00.002-07:00

I finally got around to signing up for the gym back here in the good ole USofA. Last night was the first class I took.

Here are some differences I noticed right from the start:

The gym is spotlessly clean. I am talking operation room sanitation. At least cleaner than I imagine most Ugandan operating rooms to be.

There is a locker room with actual lockers with key coded locks, plenty of working showers and toilets a private clean (chlorinated) Jacuzzi, sauna and steam room although the last two are not necessary on the equator since many days feel like a sauna and sometimes I steam room.

When you can actually understand what the instructor is saying it can be more confusing than when you’ve got no clue.

Air conditioning kind of sucks when you are working out. So ok I might have complained about my crazy step-kick boxing-aerobic class being so hot that I wanted to pass out and, almost did a couple of times, but got really cold sweating under all that cold air I don’t even know why I took off my hoodie!!

There are no mosquitoes buzzing around your head at least not at the Spectrum.

The class is full of very tiny and coordinated people. Now I am the one who looks like I am having a spastic fit. I might just wear an insanely mismatched outfit with loafers just to be “that girl” the next time.

I am pretty sure there was a group of cheerleaders or ex-cheerleaders, yeah the peppy kind, chanting in the front left corner.

All in all I am happy to be back in the ultra clean highly organized society here but sometimes I get a little nostalgic for my other home and I can not help chuckling.

Coffee

2009-03-24T15:54:00.001-07:00

To know me is to know that I am addicted to caffeine. Anyone who knows me knows that I am sustained on a steady stream of caffeine and if possible would inject it intravenously into my system. I’ve got no problem with the theory of mainlining coffee.

So it should not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me and my love of all things caffeinated that one of the easiest ways to annoy me is to leave the coffee pot empty. I repeatedly go to get a mid morning cup of personality only to find that the last person ahead of me has left it empty. I know how long it takes to make coffee. I’ve timed it. Its 45 seconds from start to finish and this is before I have had any coffee. So why do people do this? Why do they take the last drop of coffee and not replenish the vat?

I was so annoyed by this last week that instead of making the new batch to standard specs I made it Renee strength. Sadly after a year in Uganda my tolerance is not what it used to be and my body was going jingle jangle for the rest of the day but it seems to have worked because there has been coffee in the pot everyday since.

Thank goodness for that I don’t think I could have taken another day drinking what used to be like water to me

Blackberry Vs. iPhone

2009-03-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

Well as I have been adjusting to this part of the world, again. I have succumbed to the realization that I in fact need data access on my phone. Mainly because I don’t want to be tied to my computer and I keep missing afterhour’s emails. And some of them have been good. I have spent the last hour trying to figure out. iPhone or blackberry and what type of handcuffs each of these devices offer me. Battery life, durability, OS my head is spinning. Can’t someone just tell me which one is better? This is why life in the developed world is more stressful, to much connection, to many choices.

Can I ask you a question?

2009-02-16T22:17:00.001-08:00

Can I ask you a question? The answer should always be no.

Tonight I ran into Barnes and nobles to pick up a gift for a friend. I happen to be a bit obsessed with books so I grabbed what I needed and wandered around looking for anything that jumped out at me. Yup totally judging books by their covers. I was almost nearing the escalator when a table with “Required reading for school” I was curious since I think I mostly read cliffs notes in high school. I was browsing the table when this strange, manic and slightly psycho looking Asian man came up and started talking to me. (I am pretty sure he was foaming at the mouth)

He approached me like he wanted directions. I thought he was going to say “where is the history section?” or “do you work here?” Although dressed in a warm wool coat with a scarf tied tightly around my freezing neck was pretty much proof that I wasn’t “on the clock” I thought that maybe he was late for a party and forgot a gift or something like that. But instead of asking where something was he asked: “May I ask you a question?” Now this had me on guard and slightly annoyed. But I said “yes” and then he asked if I was from Europe because I have an accent. I think I gave him a puzzled look and said “No”. Now I was perturbed and hardly listening. Honestly thinking is he trying to pick up on me? as he rushes on with “That wasn’t my question”

So he busts out with a diatribe about talking to a friend and a friend told him something that didn’t really make a lot of sense to me and how he has a problem with telling small lies cause he cant help himself and his girlfriend or friend who was a girl said she wouldn't talk to him anymore because he lies. And there was another friend who was a shrink or something who told him that he should not be talking to the girl for two months and she said something like "I’ll think about you then?????"

I was lost too. Mainly I was focusing on book titles as I was inching my way around the table displaying all the “Required Reading” books. I thought it was best to put something like a display table between me and crazy man. So as I am almost to the other side and about 3 minutes later after he approached he finally spits out his question, “What does that mean?”

I saw a graceful way to bow out and said I have no idea and walked away as he was calling behind me. “What do you mean?”

I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was following me and for the cameras or Ashton telling me I have been punked.

I still love this country and the B&N where else in the world can you be confused if a guy is hitting on you, or a psychopath?

Kigali Genocide Memorial

2009-01-25T23:31:00.003-08:00

I will be posting some of my journal entries from the past year over the next few weeks. The following is my thoughts and feelings about the Genocide memorial in Kigali, Rwanda.

When they said never again after the holocaust was it meant for some other people?
–Apollon Kabahizi

April 6, 1994 the day the genocide in Rwanda began, I turned 18 the day before. The first moment in history that I distinctly remember was the Challenger exploding the second the Rwandan Genocide. I remember standing in my kitchen baking cookies, I was grounded for smoking cigarettes, and the image of a river running blood red filled with bodies flashed before my eyes. Even at the selfish age of 18 I was angry that no one was doing anything I was angry that the media, governments and the UN refused to call it what it was: Genocide Once again we are reminded the dark deeds humanity is able to achieve. This should have been a wake up call to my generation, to all of us but we enjoy our passivity and refused to be inconvenienced by other peoples problems until they become out own, and then we want instant resolution without struggle.

Over the weekend I traveled with Beth, Jeff and Josh to Kigali, Rwanda to visit memorials of this dark mark on our world history.

Kigali Genocide Memorial

The first memorial we visited is now home to the graves of 250,000 victims on the genocide. Gardens surround the graves and buildings, each garden symbolic such as the Children’s garden 11 mass graves were created, many of the coffins and tombs hold the remains of multiple people and families.

Once inside, the exhibit artfully simplifies the complicated events before, during, and after the genocide.

The Photo Room

I entered an octagon shaped room. On each side there are two steps leading up six separate cubbyholes where two walls meet at 90 degrees. It is in these cubbyholes where 2,000 images of victims hang. I sit on a small stool gazing at the images. There are photos documenting lives of all these people who died. Some are happy and some are sullen. Some of them are taken from government issued ID cards that included the tribe of the owner of course, sentencing him or her to death. I slowly turn around and realize that I have become part of the exhibit that I have become one of the faces, I am involved I am part of it. That no matter where in the world these events take places we are involved because we are human. It is our responsibility and we must take action. The international community fails again and again. We always claim later that we didn’t know or there was nothing that we could have done. We did it after the holocaust, in Cambodia, Afghanistan, and Rwanda. With mumbled apologies we pour money in to cover out guilt.

The clothing room

Clothing hangs vertically casting the illusions of the shapes of people who used to wear them. There is an image above one of the display cases it is a white Adidas shell toe with baby blue stripes. Ironically I had the same pair in 1994. Video plays on one wall. Survivors remember their experiences. One young woman says “I have hope they are children and grandchildren will have a better life, for mine is already destroyed.” The emotional trauma will be passed along to every generation following a darkness washed over a country a sadness permeating everything like a weed. I hope and pray that the dark cloud will dissipate over future generations. and that with time and restoration future generations will have the capacity to move past this horrific event.

Another “You cannot forgive if your do not know who to forgive”. How are you supposed to move on if you are constantly surrounded by people who may or may not have killed your family? How are you supposed to forgive when you do not know which neighbor killed your family?

The bone room

Skulls line cases around a dimly lit room, tool marks can be seen as slices or holes in the bones. Bones from legs, arms and ribs fill other cases as barely visible images of victims are projected onto the dark gray walls fading slowly into each other while the names of victims are read in a soft monotone breaking the silence of the near dark room.

The Children

Sitting in the children’s room the walls are vibrant orange providing a feeling of hopefulness for the future. Children’s photos grace the wall details of the child listed below it. After working for a year on child sponsorship it is information that I am well versed in until the last line under each photograph:

Age: 12
Favourite sport: Swimming
Favourite food: Eggs and chips
Favourite drink: Milk and Fanta tropical
Best friend: Her elder sister Claudette
Cause of death: Hacked by machete
Others are different and include
Shot to the head

Or the last thing said:
“mother where can I run?

It is children like these that I am helping only they are lucky they are alive and it is only in the North where they face this type of inhumanity.

There will be no humanity without forgiveness with out justice. But justice will be impossible without humanity. – Yolande Mukagasana

Suggestion to Lonely Planet

2009-01-25T23:21:00.003-08:00

A couple of months ago my friends and i decided to take a road trip to Rwanda. Now most of us can easily transistion to drive on either side of the road or car or both. After awhile its all the same. But as we drove across the border into Rwanda we quickly realized we did not know what side to we drive on? The teacher in the group started looking rapidly through the lonely planet I was looking for any indication on the road and the driver was well concentrating on driving. luckily the front seat passenger saw a guy motioning for us to move to the right side of the road and a few moments later a semi truck came barreling down the lane we were just in. After some screams we burst out laughing and the tension broke.

So my question is why doesn't lonely planet list left side vs. right side driving in instruction on the very first page with population and currency? Following the rule of who was the colonial power doesn't work just look at Mozambique.

New Mobile

2009-01-25T23:15:00.001-08:00

I lasted four weeks in the US before surrendering to the mobile handcuffs. I ave a vague recollection of life before mobile technology. Somehow I survived my teens years without carrying a phone with me..... and I always found the party. I remember wandering around Europe excited that I could make plans to meet people in cities through email, this was before you could pop in a $2 sim and have a local number.

The emails went something like this: Hey I'm leaving Crete. Are you still in Greece? meet me at the port in Santorini Tuesday ill be on the morning ferry. If i don't see you there i am going to be watching the sunset in IA at least three times next week see you there.

that was it we didn't stress or text 40 more times. so i know that i can live and manage my life wife out the mobile handcuffs I am just making my life a little bit easier with them.

so to make something simple complicated.... (uganda must have taught me well) when all i am trying to say is I gave in and have a new number email me if you want an updated way to reach me 24/7

back in the states

2009-01-04T00:13:00.002-08:00

I've been back in the states for almost three weeks. i have loved seeing old friends and eating real Mexican, not our Ugandan version of Mexican food. I love that the beef here tastes the way my body thinks it should. I will forever and always love trader joes and costco. I have been bundled up since I got on the plane in Entebbe. A few days ago a friend posted a simple word on facebook "Kenya" my heart gave a little leap and I physically longed for the heat and humidity that drove me nuts so many days. Do we ever find contentment or is it in our discontent that drives us?

hours to depart

2008-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

I leave Uganda in a few hours. It’s strange that my count down moved from a vague realization that I would one day leave to my departure only being hours away. I have mixed feelings about leaving. I am excited to see everyone and be back in the structured and orderly world I am from but I will miss so many things about Uganda. Not knowing what is next makes it worse. The other night I was talking to one of my friends. We were talking about the strange turns in our lives and she said you know it’s weird that Africa is like your other home. It is weird, who would have thought that my life would take so many strange turns? Who would have thought that I would live in two worlds? Equally comfortable in small villages or the streets of Paris. Life is strange.

Sick Again

2008-11-18T07:09:00.002-08:00

I have been sick again. I am not sure if it is the stomach flu or food poisoning but for awhile I wanted to die. I am on the up and up but am still a little bit scared to actually eat food beyond crackers. Tonight I will try.

Mubende Bible Distributions

2008-11-11T07:24:00.007-08:00

Time flies by even in Uganda. A while back I traveled to the Mubende district to deliver Bibles to a couple of schools. I love visiting projects. Project visitation reminders me of my reasons for temporarily giving up my life in the states for a life in Uganda. Seeing the work of so many dedicated Ugandans striving towards developing the next generation is always an inspiration to me.

We arrived at the first school just as classes stopping for break time.

I wandered around taking photos and hanging out with the kids while Abbey, the head of Education at

Africa Renewal, and Beth met with some of the teachers in the open air thatched roof “staff room”.

Then boxes of bibles were delivered to each classroom and handed out to each of the children.

Now seeing that I am probably the world’s worst missionary when it comes to passing along all things “Christian” and cynicism, I was completely blown away by the response of the kids. They were bouncing in their seats with excitement. Every kid in the classroom received a copy and they eagerly opened their own copy of the book I try to read daily. I realized then this how precious

and important that book was to each of them. It was the only book in the school that they did not have to share with each other and it gives

them the opportunity to read what the word of God says on their own without someone interpreting it and telling what it says. I would have scoffed at this gift at their age and am repeatedly challenged by African children to be content with what I have and to express happiness for the things I am given.

I am so Proud

2008-11-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I was asked by the Child Sponsorship Department to teach all of their field staff some photography basics. It was a lot of fun and they asked really interesting questions but I didn’t really expect to ever see results or to hear feedback from the projects.

Then I went to visit a project about 4 hours away. When the project director saw me he was really excited. He said “Renee! Thank you for finally coming to visit us we are so happy to have you here. We have been taking so many pictures of our projects come and see!!!” He took me to the office and handed me a six inch stack of photographs. Most of them told a story and most of them were really great. When I was talking to them about photography I told them that I wanted them to be able to capture their projects as they are, my hope for them is that they do not have to depend on outside visitors to provide the photos used to promote the work at their sites. Anyone who has spent time here knows that everyday life is drastically altered when foreigners are visiting and that they have the opportunity to show life as it is through their eyes.

I am so happy that at least one project has better photos today than they did last year.

Software Training

2008-10-30T06:30:00.003-07:00

I am really excited. For months I have been trying to work with the girl in Human Resources here to get computer training off the ground. Someone from my church sent training software. Its great because it does not depend on me to be here. HR girl has been dragging her feet. She wanted me to do everything and I only wanted to empower her to do it herself. What good is a one time training when they have the power to train themselves and anyone new that they hire?

Every time someone in the office asks me for help I have been telling them about this software we have. They finally demanded it from me and I have made copies for all of the departments! The accounting off just came to me and said they installed it and are going to start using it tomorrow!!! I am so excited!

We bypassed the HR bottle neck and they are on their way to self computer training! I created a buzz to get the staff interested and an assignment to really test their knowledge. I will of course help them when they need it. Knowing MS office will help ease the work load they are under!

It has only taken 6 months for things to finally come together!

Yes I can

2008-10-30T04:54:00.003-07:00

Today is Renee can you help me with my computer it's __________ (fill in the blank) day. So far today I have tried to:

1. Fix an external drive that fell off of a desk. Sadly I think it is dead
2. Scanned three computers for viruses, worms etc.
3. Set up an email account on gmail for a village worker of mercy network. So far i have tried to load gmail.com 5 times. It still will not load.
4. Fixed one Kodak camera and cleared its SD chip
5. Working on fixing a laptop that has been infected with some virus that has disabled the anti virus that is loaded and was apparently turned all the characters into Chinese writing and displayed porn. Although I did not witness the "Porn" or Chinese characters so it could have been an advertisement for a company that makes bras in china.
6. Loaded and attempting to update the Norton virus onto laptop

I have been doing all of this while burning Cd's and working on my database for a child sponsorship program.

I'm tired and want to take a nap

My Last Update with photos

2008-10-16T16:32:00.005-07:00

I have hundreds of people on my update list. They are my family, friends, supporters or mere strangers that I have met in passing. The following is the last update that I sent only this time I have included some photos.

You can see more of my photos at reneealina.com

Sad Eyes in Africa

I remember as a child seeing images of starvation from Ethiopia. I clearly remember seeing the skeleton of a child draped in paper thin dry and dirty skin, with a protruding belly, to sick to chase away the flies landing on their faces. Although these images impacted my life, they are not “that” common the capitol of Uganda. I am not in a refugee camp that has run out of food and I don’t see people dying on the streets, at least at first glance. What I have come to realize is the reality of hunger looks much different than the extremes I remember watching on TV as a child.

Forgotten people all over the world have that same dark and distant look in their eyes, often filled with emptiness and pain.

I see it in the eyes of children whose parents make them beg along the main road. My heart breaks whenever I see them looking like fragile mannequins dressed in rags. Their heads nodding from sleep deprivation while their tiny hands are outstretched looking fragile the mother sitting a few feet away. Handing them change is like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

I see the emptiness in the eyes of the man whose limbs are broken and he is forced to scoot along the road.

I saw it in the eyes of a little girl who I passed along the way to work, these eyes made me stop and think about innocence and first impressions. Not hers, but mine. She was adorable her head smooth, her only clothes and pink and blue princess skirt her belly sticking over the elastic waist and she skipped across the road in front of me. Quickly my mind processed the situation. She was playing and having a blast but her eyes had that desperation in them and I realized that her belly wasn’t from food it was from the lack of food. Her head might have been shaved to keep the lice away but most likely bare from malnutrition. During my time here I have learned that first impressions can be wrong and my innocence from “stupid poverty” is forever lost

At first glance so many of the children I see on the streets here look like they could be “normal” kids. They are full of smiles and always ready to laugh and play. When I remember where I am I realize that they are anything but. They are the statistics that you read about. They are the reasons that we come to places like this attempting to slightly alter the course of their lives, hopefully toward self sufficiency. They are the next generation and we have a choice to unite together and make some changes or to pass by the unseen without a glance. When I get frustrated with my work here I try to remember that I am working on a database that will help this organization impact the lives of these children. I try to remind myself that we are all working towards one goal and that the people I am working along side used to be these children.

The World on time (usually)

2008-10-16T16:18:00.005-07:00

Every American knows what a FedEx truck looks like. Did you ever have images of your clean white envelope on the back of a camel? In Uganda it happens to be on the back of a boda boda!

I happened to be driving to lunch today and pulled right behind a FedEx boda complete with a FedEx box baring the slogan your world on time. Although the number was cut out to make room for the tail light. Oh well. No one is perfect.

After using FedEx in time insensitive region of the world I have deiced that it is your world on time, usually.

Squeaky feet?

2008-10-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

No its not the name of an expiremntal indie band or some profound philosophical metaphor. My feet are all squeaky on the Atherstone's wood floor. Does anyone know why? I don’t ever remember my feet making squeaking noises before. I have a suspicion that it has something to do with half healed blisters that are a constant on the balls of my feet. Blisters a side effect of walking 3 miles in humidty along dirt roads in flip flop Anyone else have any ideas?

Jello Tomato Sauce

2008-10-12T09:07:00.005-07:00

What I call pinkish Jello ketchup is know here as Tomato Sauce but there is nothing "saucy" about it. Its texture is like Jello that has not quite set. The color a nice pinkish tone. I've tried it and its not horrible but I won't miss it when I am back in the states.

This is Beth's first time trying the icky pink "tomato" sauce. I think it sort of ruins eating chips.

Boda Update

2008-10-12T08:41:00.001-07:00

Walking home tonight I saw a boda boda with about 400 shoes attached to it. I am kicking myself for not having a camera but have committed to start caring Beth's around so we can capture some of the grand things we see around town.

lazy sunday mornings

2008-10-12T02:31:00.004-07:00

Beth and I just finished making and eating Sunday brunch. It didn't come out exactly as we would have liked. The potatoes were a little bit mushy, Ugandan potatoes, known locally as "Irish", don't seem to stay firm when you cook them. I made coffee and why it was all cooking it smelled like home in the kitchen. Breakfast was served with a podcast from mariners church and good conversation.

After drinking half a pot of coffee I now feel normal and it doesn't matter that I did not sleep well last night. There is always something to keep you awake but last night is was the oppressive feeling of humidity. All though the air cools at night and sometimes I get cold enough at night to wear a jacket, usually when the outside temp dips to 75F, last nights air felt suffocating. It is possible that the suffocating feeling could have been humid air mixed with the cold/allergies/asthma that I have had going on the last few days. Sometimes I want to scratch my eyes out just so they stop itching. I think I have ruled out a cold and am just going to admit that the dust, smoke and mold have been increasingly playing havoc with my now returned childhood asthma. At least it has taken 10 months to get this bad. I am now on the hunt for an inhaler so I can sleep at night.

The Friday night sky looked like a forest fire it was so smokey. Although annoying it is better to burn your trash all on one day rather than everyone burning it on different days and always having the air filled with thick acidic smoke.

im off for an early afternoon nap. After all it is a lazy Sunday.

What I have seen on the back of a boda boda

2008-10-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

A boda boda is a small scooter or moped originally used to transport black market goods from one boarder to another earning the name boda boda. Today they are just as dodgy only they cart people and not goods.

Here is my top 10 list of things I have seen on the back of boda bodas.

1. A crate of chickens
2. Four human size bags of coal
3. An family of four including a baby sitting on mamas lap, the driver makes five
4. Three twin size bed frames with matterres
5. A stack of mattresses six feet high
6. The FedEx Man
7. A long dresser with mirror attached
8. A stack of twelve foot long two by fours
9. Eight small children
10. A sofa, two chairs, coffee table, and two end tables

Violence Against Children

2008-09-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

i have no idea if this even makes sense it is just my random ranting so that i can actually focus on work today.....

Today on my walk to work I witnessed yet another beating in the street. From a "block" away I heard the voice of a woman and boy screaming in Luganda so I have no idea what it was about. Walking towards the chaos I watched as this older woman was hitting a boy around 10 years of age over the head with a stick and dragging him down the street. I stopped in my normal shop to get water and asked the lady why he was being beaten. She didn't understand the questions so I said What is going on. All she said is I don't know he is hitting her. Let me translate for you the use of he and she are interchangeable here. What she meant was She is hitting him and I do not know why. The lady left and the boy sat in the street with his legs curled under him sobbing. Everyone seemed to be laughing and finding it humorous from the street kids, the coal lady and the chapati guy. I wanted to go over and comfort the boy. To just go rest a hand on top of his head but not knowing what was going on I did not want to put myself in harms way. "Mob Justice" has a way of springing up quickly here. So I walked on feeling inside so much rage towards this woman who was hitting this boy. What could a child possibly have done to warrant such a beating? I cannot think of anything that a child could do to deserve such violent treatment. What angers me even more is having had listened to so many sermons on "biblical" discipline I am sure she would have justified it with the bible spare the rod, spoil the child but in my book there is no reason to hit a child. This incident is only one of many i have witnessed and I feel completly helpless. There are no police to call, no Department of child services and protect welfare, there is nothing that I can do....

Even as I sat here last night finishing up some email I heard a ruckus outside of my office window. There is a school next to my office and all the children were lined up by what appeared to be class or age. One of the teachers was hitting some of the older boys who did not have their shirts tucked into their shorts. At least that is what the head of education told me. So I asked her why? (Still my favorite word) Why would you hit them and not just remind them that they need their shirts tucked in. She said because they would not remember if you didn't hit them and that these boys always leave shirts untucked. Here is where connecting the dots in Africa does not exist. If you beat them and they don't remember is beating working? Why not try a less violent approach.

I have watched the kids at recess here and they play much different than american kids. Sure kids in America and Europe rough each other up a bit but here it is viscous. I can only imagine that they are acting out their frustration out on each other.

I once asked a young man here if he planned on hitting his children. He said yes. I asked him is he was hit and was it bad. He said yes. Then I asked him how it made him feel and he almost started crying. So i asked why would you want to make your own child feel like that? He said he wouldn't want his child to feel like that and that he never had thought about it in that way.....

what is a girl supposed to do?

Alarm Clocks

2008-09-16T04:56:00.001-07:00

I just read my friend Beth's blog and it reminded me that there are funny things that happen here everyday. I have been here to long and have forgot how crazy things can be here. I have tried to keep my travel motto just keep laughing but some days it is easier said than done.

Funny things number one: Impossible to sleep. Here are some of the things that have woken me up when I am trying to sleep.

1. Packs of wild dogs fighting or mating or both.
2. The drunk guy who always comes home and honks at his gate for 15 mintues no matter what time it is. Can't he get a key?
3. Various types of poultry making noises at all hours. I always believed kids books that said the rooster wakes up with the sun. I have learned the roosters dont sleep.
4. The shhsss ssshhhss shhssss sounds of sweeping with local brooms on cement.
5. The rise in temperature when the power goes out and the fan goes out.
6. Torrential rain pouring on your head though the open window above your bed.
7. Staff of the house that I stay in rearranging all the furniture at 7 am on a Saturday for a team that is arriving the following Tuesday.
8. Crying babies that turn out to be wild cats.
9. Cars driving through village streets with loud speakers strapped on top screaming to either repent to Jesus or submit to Allah (its in Luganda so I am really not sure which but I am fairly confident that its evangelism of some sort but I am pretty sure neither of them want to be yelled at)
10. The flapping wings of those hideous "storks" when they fly over my roof.
11. Screeching monkeys, bats and/or birds

Aerobics in Uganda

2008-09-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of friends and I have decided to start taking an aerobics class. It is always entertaining. The class is mixed with Ugandans and westerners. The music is always funny mixes and the instructor speeds them up so they all sound like Mickey Mouse. It is a mixer of Ugandan local and international dance music. Unfortunately most of the experiences fall under "you had to be there" but here are some things that we as a collective have experienced or seen.

1. An instructor with a huge belly coming into the workout room, dropping his pants turning around to give a full Monty view before changing into his sweat pants. I am not sure if this is to inspire us to run... mostly out of the class room.
2. Ugandan men flailing their arms around trying to keep up with the instructor with zero rhythm and doing their own unique steps. Thus destroying the myth that all Africans have rhythm.
3. The instructor flirting so much with the Ugandan girl who contorts her body in strange directions with every move she makes. I don’t know how she twists and turns like that without breaking her back. But I want to tell them to go in the back an just do whatever it is they need to do so we can focus on class.
4. The mother daughter duo who always lay down about fifteen minutes into class.
5. The ancient Ugandan man who has a phobia of using the step during step class. He prefers to run in place and kick at random intervals. Always moving in the opposite direction as the rest of us. Often almost kicking me as he seems to always take up residence beside me.
6. The instructor (the pants dropper) who insisted on using our "steps" at the same time that we were using them. When this happened to both Christine and I we stopped but he encouraged us to continue. But really neither of us wanted him to fling sweat onto us. This also falls under the category of please give me my personal space. (We have never been back on a Sunday)
7. During every class there are very large men who come by and watch the class donned in blue sheets nice and wet from the steam room leaving little to the imagination.
8. Our instructor doesn’t know how to count often he calls out 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 2, reverse. Of course it took us a month to figure out what he was saying. Or one more five more. Doesn’t he know if it is only one more he can’t ask us to do five more and then make us do three? But he always thanks us for our excellent work and for trying.
9. Flailing arm man wears very interesting work out outfit last week he had on a bright red t-shirt tucked into blue swim trunks while wearing trainers and black dress socks.
10. The instructor will randomly stop class and give us a break for 2 minute break so he can go and change out of his pants and into shorts because he has sweat so much. During this time my motivation disappears with my heart rate.
11. More often than not the entire class gets lost as the instructor switches to advanced mode adding twists and turns.
12. Mosquitoes manage to stay away during "cardio" section of class but swarm by your legs and head when you are trying to do crunches. You know you will be eaten alive if you notice them swarming when you are jumping around with your arms flailing.

All in all in we have a great time and everyone tries really hard and we are always enthusiastic it is just sometimes difficult not burst out laughing in class although sometimes that laughter is what keeps us going! We are aggressively attempting to get some video of this so you can experience it first hand.

--Renee and Beth

The Wonders of Red Bull

2008-09-02T16:44:00.000-07:00

I am a caffeine addict. I completly admit it and no I do not want help curing this affliction nor do I want to hear a diatribe on the evils of caffeine. I hardly slept at all last night. The power was out that means no fan. Its been really muggy and the air in my room felt like it was going to suffocate me. Going outside to sit on my balconloy did nothing to relieve this.

In a groggy state I walked to the petrol station near my work today in search of a Diet Pepsi known for its ability to improve my personality. It takes about twenty mintues to get there but I figured the walk might wake me up a bit even if soda couldn't.

Since sugar has the tendency to trigger migraines I drink soda sans sugar and the nearest shop to carry it is the Egen Petrol Station. When I arrived to the small store I opened the door to a blast of heat. This shop is always an oven even though you think it "looks" like a 7-11 with its white tile, bad lighting and junk food filled shelves. I get fooled every time I open the door thinking that it will be cold with an AC perpetually running on high.

I was saddened to see that the spot where my caffeine high should be sitting was filled with grapetizers from South Africa. I asked the owner where all the diet Pepsi was. When I bought the last coke light on Sunday afternoon he promised me he would restock on Monday... I was even further disappointed to hear that his normal supplier was out. I have official drank the entire supply of diet soda in Uganda. With desperation I opted for a Red Bull knowing that it would wake me up. I am now overly energized and bursting with the possibilities of clearing multiple projects off of my desk only I have just realized it is 4:44 pm and they are going to turn off the generator at five.

What in the world will I do with myself now that I am functioning like an american workaholic?

Maybe I should start everyday with a redbull.

computer wonder

2008-08-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

I've got my laptop hooked up to a flat screen so I can have a larger work space. The guy who cleans the offices I work in just tripped out in them. He couldn't figure out how I was typing on one computer but it was showing on another one.

Its the simple wonders that I love so much

Spelling

2008-07-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

I am the first to admit that I am the world worst speller. I depend solely on spell checker. I use spell check for everything even in instant messaging. What drives me in sane is individuals who I am working with who give me data and no matter what the form be it word or excel it is full of spelling errors and this is from educated staff members in positions of authority….. Is taking 5 seconds to check their work to much to ask? Apparently it is…..

Time

2008-07-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Whew I didn't want my first post to be a africa time raving rant. Good thing I came up with a stupid explanation of this blog.

Last week I was on vacation in Zanzibar and instead of extending my stay a couple of days like I wanted to, I came back to film a Ugandan named Francis distributing a wheelchair from Free Wheel Chair Mission. The plan was to FedEx a tape to free on Friday so that the editor could have it in time for Franic's upcoming trip to the US.

I had everything ready to go and asked someone in my office to have FedEx pick up the package. I had to leave the office early on friday. They said it would not get to the office in time to go out Friday but it would go out on Saturday. I said that's fine and went on with my life. Fast forward to Monday at 5 pm I finally get around to asking the receptionist at ARM for the airway bill. She says oh they didn't come. Its 5 pm on Monday and the FedEx guy walked in as I was interrogating her to find out if she knew why they didn't come. He acted like it was my fault!!! GGGRRRRR!!!! Called the office and then started back tracking with me as soon as he realized it was in fact his offices fault for not dispatching him..... 3 days prior.

Sometimes I do not understand this continients attitudes towards time. I know that I am hyper active towards time but I have learned to relax a lot. I don't expect things to move at the same pace as my southern California home. However I do expect a company whose primary purpose it to get things around the world on time to show up for a pickup within 24 hours of the arranged pickup time..... I sent him away and now get the lovely task of trying to upload the video to my server from the slowest internet connection in the world..... I think I will spend tomorrow at the Serna where there is a high-speed connection and lattes........ I am reorg-ing the focus of my work from now until eternity: the concept of time

Back Again

2008-07-14T08:46:00.001-07:00

I had a blog years ago but have been unable to recover it since goolge bought blogsplot. I am currently living back in Uganda. The purpose of this blog is to document my daily life in Uganda. I am trying real hard to update it often with the "funny" idiosyncrasies of living in a developing country.