wanderlust

I have been back in the US for almost six months and am just starting to feel the lure of the road. No; that’s not true; I always feel the lure of the road. It’s more than that. I am going to fumble trying to put it into words.

It is a lifestyle that is virtually impossible to attain in the developed world where I am constantly told that I need more and I need to want more and if I don’t want a certain prescribed lifestyle of consumption, marriage, children then I are somehow deviant; not a woman; not human. No to say that the idea of having someone to grow old with doesn’t sound delicious it’s just rare to find someone whom you could possible see that happening with and even more rare that they too have an attachment to the great unknown, to a lifestyle of movement. A modern day gypsy if you will. I try to change. I try to think about living a life of domestic bliss. It really does sound wonderful, but the pull to this other way of living is to strong. It grabbed hold of my soul as a child and won’t let go. No matter how hard I try to cut it loose and find contentment in routine. I am unable to find it however hard I search.

I am starting to think that there is not a way to quench to desire of exploration, if there is would someone please tell me how? I am quite sure I could start popping pills and numb myself with prozac or some other happy pill that makes you forget, that sedates or something that just makes life look a little more colorless. Just as all people can be classified as people who ask why or how; they can further be classified by those who explore the world and those who don't.

I cannot explain what it is or why it hits but when it does I only want to flee to explore to live life in this different way. To have the freedom to move about the planet with out restraint of perceived needs. I have this desire to dig in and attempt to understand new cultures and the delight that comes with finding something new.

I tend to be a runner. I know this about myself. I get scared and I run, usually away from attachments, relationships or emotions that I don’t want to have. I have considered that I am running. I have considered that I am one of those people who just live better and thrive in a perpetual state of chaos. But my current work is chaotic and I have not truly run in years. I think now when I run I am running to things not away from them. Maybe I am running towards home or to an idea that does not exist.

I am fairly content in my current situation. My work is challenging and exciting and I have been enjoying getting to know my niece while spending quality time with my friends. In fact the older I get the deeper my roots become and the harder it is to leave and yet the ache is still there. I know that our time in this world is short. Why not enjoy it while we are here? But then I get this longing in the pit of my stomach. It is similar to home sickness only for places I have never been.