See the world through new eyes

I recently had a friend visit for a few days. Seeing the world through her eyes made me fall in love with my home all over again.

wanderlust

I have been back in the US for almost six months and am just starting to feel the lure of the road. No; that’s not true; I always feel the lure of the road. It’s more than that. I am going to fumble trying to put it into words.

It is a lifestyle that is virtually impossible to attain in the developed world where I am constantly told that I need more and I need to want more and if I don’t want a certain prescribed lifestyle of consumption, marriage, children then I are somehow deviant; not a woman; not human. No to say that the idea of having someone to grow old with doesn’t sound delicious it’s just rare to find someone whom you could possible see that happening with and even more rare that they too have an attachment to the great unknown, to a lifestyle of movement. A modern day gypsy if you will. I try to change. I try to think about living a life of domestic bliss. It really does sound wonderful, but the pull to this other way of living is to strong. It grabbed hold of my soul as a child and won’t let go. No matter how hard I try to cut it loose and find contentment in routine. I am unable to find it however hard I search.

I am starting to think that there is not a way to quench to desire of exploration, if there is would someone please tell me how? I am quite sure I could start popping pills and numb myself with prozac or some other happy pill that makes you forget, that sedates or something that just makes life look a little more colorless. Just as all people can be classified as people who ask why or how; they can further be classified by those who explore the world and those who don't.

I cannot explain what it is or why it hits but when it does I only want to flee to explore to live life in this different way. To have the freedom to move about the planet with out restraint of perceived needs. I have this desire to dig in and attempt to understand new cultures and the delight that comes with finding something new.

I tend to be a runner. I know this about myself. I get scared and I run, usually away from attachments, relationships or emotions that I don’t want to have. I have considered that I am running. I have considered that I am one of those people who just live better and thrive in a perpetual state of chaos. But my current work is chaotic and I have not truly run in years. I think now when I run I am running to things not away from them. Maybe I am running towards home or to an idea that does not exist.

I am fairly content in my current situation. My work is challenging and exciting and I have been enjoying getting to know my niece while spending quality time with my friends. In fact the older I get the deeper my roots become and the harder it is to leave and yet the ache is still there. I know that our time in this world is short. Why not enjoy it while we are here? But then I get this longing in the pit of my stomach. It is similar to home sickness only for places I have never been.

The pains of being technicolor

I am Technicolor working in a black and white office and the last few weeks have made me want to smash my head against a wall to ease the pain of frustration.

Then I realized I tend to be someone who looks at problems from a million angels while deducing the best plan of attack. I don’t know how but my simple mind tends to run quickly down a virtual path to see where each idea will lead. It might be my tendency to learn towards mania but I repeatedly find myself naturally leaning towards innovation and the use of technology long before most people.

I think my mind is always creating so if I am not taking photos I am creating new ways to do stuff in my program. Only people here don’t seem to like that. The prevailing attitude is that we have never done things that way, why should we do something new?

What I don’t get is how they could adapt the innovating program I am working to implement and yet refuse to try new ways of getting people involved.

I need coffee and Advil to stop this pounding in my head.

Training Review

I have been working with a company to develop web based training for my volunteer families. It's looking good but I am sick of reviewing it, it is making my head hurt. I have to watch it from multiple angels and perspectives.

I have a headache and need coffee.

1984 in your face

Hello Orwellian Prophecy

If i had not read this direct from the white house blog I would have thought for sure it was fanatical paranoia in a chain email, a spoof or freedoms worst nightmare. In fact someone posted a link to a columnist and it seemed so far fetched I decided to investigate. I am floored by what I found and cannot even fathom living in a country where we the people or our representatives have been asked to act as informers as to what we email or through causal conversation in regards to the presidents health care plan.

We live in a country that preaches rights, freedom and democracy but while we sleep blinded by our own fears our government is slowly chipping away at all that we once stood for. The government just asked us to report on each other for stating our beliefs.

I understand the annoyance the chiefs must feel with paranoid and fear inducing fiction that comprises most Netlore. But we CANNOT just submit to the powers that be and turn each other in for voicing our opinions. After all it is opinion and the white house signed up for the job of running this country and all of the headaches that come along with it.

I am sure that the governments "intent" is not to monitor its citizens but if we allow this type of door to creep open when will it stop? How will the information be used in the future will we start being offed at the polls because we speak in opposition?

Now is not the time to be silent, it is the time to use your voice in any way that you can.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/Facts-Are-Stubborn-Things/

Cows

A friend of mine sent out a message on facebook asking us if we all wanted to chip in for a cow to buy for a family in Uganda. It took about four hours for us to all chip in. So my friends and I just bought a cow to give to a family in northern uganda. it was so fast and easy why doesnt all funding come with that much ease?

Remebering Uganda

The Uganda Leadership team at my church decided to host a BBQ for everyone who has ever been or might be interested in going is invited. I am supposed to be putting together a video of all the trips and giving some info on other projects that have been going on.

I think I am subconsciously putting it off because I am a little bit worried about what it might do to my mental state and what sort of feelings it might dredge up.

Caught in Tension

I usually spend time talking about the work that I am doing in the third sector, or how I am missing or not missing the developing world.

Yes I am still working in the third sector, only right now I am focused on my home country. I am finding myself in a tension point of wanting to grow roots without clipping my wings, dreaming of the intense blue skies and suffocating heat while traipsing through June gloom of costal Orange County. More accurately I have been in this point of tension for the past few years. I find myself trapped in the tension point between having the freedom to follow your dreams no matter where they land you and a longing to have someone to dream with.

I have just been taught to not be public about relationships or thoughts of settling down. Heaven forbid I scare any boys off with talk of commitment or the future. OK so anyone who truly knows me knows I am more skittish that the average male about being tied down but I keep silent just in case someone who reads this might see me as needy and clingy woman with you know, emotions.

So I find myself wanting to lives that appear to be mutually exclusive. What is a girl to do? DO you choose one dream over the other? Do I settle down in the here and now and not worry about the future. What if that person that I settle with is one of those urber patriotic Americans who does not have a passport because “America is the Best country in the world” and of course he knows this because of all the other places he has been using his nonexistent passport.

So I have to keep reminding myself that I am in control, to you know, let go of my control. I want to let go in a leap of faith and make myself available, for who knows what. What is the worst that will happen? I will fail? I’ve failed at a million things. Ok maybe not but I have failed before. The question is. How exactly does one go about letting go?

Monday Reds

This morning started off with a serious case of the mean reds. Yes, I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's last night and was reminded of one my of favorite fake psychological terms.

I apparently had a sign on my car that said; I am irritated please agitated by not letting me change lanes.

Thank you to all the other jerks on the 405.

Amazing Sushi

After spending years always moving back and forth between two polar worlds I am finding it rather nice to settle back into a normal if not somewhat predictable routine. I find myself wondering if I will bore of this and am hopeful that I will stay content in the daily monotony that life offers when not on the move.

Part of my daily routine is the gym. Last night a friend met me for yoga, we decided to grab sushi after. I had the most amazing sashimi roll as Sushi on Fire. Go there, eat, enjoy.

Nothing New

I don't really have anything new to talk about but I was thinking that I should get in the habit of writing anyways and maybe one day I will have something interresting to say again, or maybe for the first time.

Judgmental

It is not my job to pass judgment. SO why do I find myself judging others? In my line of work this tried and tested almost daily. I wonder how people could not realize that there would or could be huge consequences to their actions. When in a desperate circumstances what is the point that we start making decisions without forethought to the outcome or the consequences that our actions may have? When really none of this has to do with me or what I believe are healthy choices. It’s all about showing Gods love and grace to people who have had everyone loose faith in them, its about “us” putting our faith in them and saying we love you and we are not going to give up on you. We are the last stop; we are the safety net that no one new existed.

Since as far back as I can remember every few years I am challenged to look at the way I view the world and the people in it. A couple years ago this happened again and I was lucky enough to be able to share this story with 12,000 or so people who attended my church the weekend I got to share that I was a judgmental asshole who God changed to see the world through his eyes although, I might not have used that exact phrasing. It was through this time that I saw a drastic change in my photography and that people started to say that I really capture people as they are and that you can see something deeper within them. I fully admit that this is not me at all and that I can barely set the settings on my camera, it is all God and his eyes.

So now I find my judging self being challenged again in entirely new ways with an entirely different set of people, I am learning compassion and understanding on an entirely different level than I have ever experienced it before and I hope that my world view is changed through this.

Really you needed to steal my orange?

Someone stole my orange right out from under my nose! I have been trying to be economical and healthy. This means I am bringing my lunch to work. I believe they used to call it brown bagging. But I have a cute little bag that doesn’t add to the land fills, come to think of it; it’s brown! Totally beside the point I apologize for the environmental diatribe.

Anyways I started to reheat my lunch. Simple process: Remove lid, put in microwave. Put stuff on empty table. This included an orange, plastic lid and fork. A coworker was scoffing at some left over bagels and bright pink strawberry cream cheese left on a table that should have been a clue to guard my orange with my life instead I decide that I would leave it on the table and go to the ladies room. When I returned my orange was gone!!!

What kind of freak steals an orange that is obviously part of someone’s lunch? I thought I was back in American where you don’t need to guard your food.

Whether it was one of the kids or a coworker I always have to remember to never leave things lying around. After all poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.

10pt font and Complementary Imagery

I have discovered something rather strange.

I don’t really like WebPages with large images. As a photographer you I would think that I would love to see images all over WebPages but as a web designer…

mmm not so much.

I discovered this as some of my clients keep coming back asking for larger photos and larger fonts. I am arguing over the merit of content vs. imagery and what is comes down to I don’t want to put in large photos it is going to mess up the composition for the entire page nor do I want to increase the font size. There must be a balance to this struggle however I have yet to see a pretty site that uses large photos amongst the text and large font while still maintain a competition pleasing to the eye.

working out in america

I finally got around to signing up for the gym back here in the good ole USofA. Last night was the first class I took.

Here are some differences I noticed right from the start:

The gym is spotlessly clean. I am talking operation room sanitation. At least cleaner than I imagine most Ugandan operating rooms to be.

There is a locker room with actual lockers with key coded locks, plenty of working showers and toilets a private clean (chlorinated) Jacuzzi, sauna and steam room although the last two are not necessary on the equator since many days feel like a sauna and sometimes I steam room.

When you can actually understand what the instructor is saying it can be more confusing than when you’ve got no clue.

Air conditioning kind of sucks when you are working out. So ok I might have complained about my crazy step-kick boxing-aerobic class being so hot that I wanted to pass out and, almost did a couple of times, but got really cold sweating under all that cold air I don’t even know why I took off my hoodie!!

There are no mosquitoes buzzing around your head at least not at the Spectrum.

The class is full of very tiny and coordinated people. Now I am the one who looks like I am having a spastic fit. I might just wear an insanely mismatched outfit with loafers just to be “that girl” the next time.

I am pretty sure there was a group of cheerleaders or ex-cheerleaders, yeah the peppy kind, chanting in the front left corner.

All in all I am happy to be back in the ultra clean highly organized society here but sometimes I get a little nostalgic for my other home and I can not help chuckling.

Coffee

To know me is to know that I am addicted to caffeine. Anyone who knows me knows that I am sustained on a steady stream of caffeine and if possible would inject it intravenously into my system. I’ve got no problem with the theory of mainlining coffee.

So it should not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me and my love of all things caffeinated that one of the easiest ways to annoy me is to leave the coffee pot empty. I repeatedly go to get a mid morning cup of personality only to find that the last person ahead of me has left it empty. I know how long it takes to make coffee. I’ve timed it. Its 45 seconds from start to finish and this is before I have had any coffee. So why do people do this? Why do they take the last drop of coffee and not replenish the vat?

I was so annoyed by this last week that instead of making the new batch to standard specs I made it Renee strength. Sadly after a year in Uganda my tolerance is not what it used to be and my body was going jingle jangle for the rest of the day but it seems to have worked because there has been coffee in the pot everyday since.

Thank goodness for that I don’t think I could have taken another day drinking what used to be like water to me

Blackberry Vs. iPhone

Well as I have been adjusting to this part of the world, again. I have succumbed to the realization that I in fact need data access on my phone. Mainly because I don’t want to be tied to my computer and I keep missing afterhour’s emails. And some of them have been good. I have spent the last hour trying to figure out. iPhone or blackberry and what type of handcuffs each of these devices offer me. Battery life, durability, OS my head is spinning. Can’t someone just tell me which one is better? This is why life in the developed world is more stressful, to much connection, to many choices.

Can I ask you a question?

Can I ask you a question? The answer should always be no.

Tonight I ran into Barnes and nobles to pick up a gift for a friend. I happen to be a bit obsessed with books so I grabbed what I needed and wandered around looking for anything that jumped out at me. Yup totally judging books by their covers. I was almost nearing the escalator when a table with “Required reading for school” I was curious since I think I mostly read cliffs notes in high school. I was browsing the table when this strange, manic and slightly psycho looking Asian man came up and started talking to me. (I am pretty sure he was foaming at the mouth)

He approached me like he wanted directions. I thought he was going to say “where is the history section?” or “do you work here?” Although dressed in a warm wool coat with a scarf tied tightly around my freezing neck was pretty much proof that I wasn’t “on the clock” I thought that maybe he was late for a party and forgot a gift or something like that. But instead of asking where something was he asked: “May I ask you a question?” Now this had me on guard and slightly annoyed. But I said “yes” and then he asked if I was from Europe because I have an accent. I think I gave him a puzzled look and said “No”. Now I was perturbed and hardly listening. Honestly thinking is he trying to pick up on me? as he rushes on with “That wasn’t my question”

So he busts out with a diatribe about talking to a friend and a friend told him something that didn’t really make a lot of sense to me and how he has a problem with telling small lies cause he cant help himself and his girlfriend or friend who was a girl said she wouldn't talk to him anymore because he lies. And there was another friend who was a shrink or something who told him that he should not be talking to the girl for two months and she said something like "I’ll think about you then?????"

I was lost too. Mainly I was focusing on book titles as I was inching my way around the table displaying all the “Required Reading” books. I thought it was best to put something like a display table between me and crazy man. So as I am almost to the other side and about 3 minutes later after he approached he finally spits out his question, “What does that mean?”

I saw a graceful way to bow out and said I have no idea and walked away as he was calling behind me. “What do you mean?”

I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was following me and for the cameras or Ashton telling me I have been punked.

I still love this country and the B&N where else in the world can you be confused if a guy is hitting on you, or a psychopath?

Kigali Genocide Memorial

I will be posting some of my journal entries from the past year over the next few weeks. The following is my thoughts and feelings about the Genocide memorial in Kigali, Rwanda.

When they said never again after the holocaust was it meant for some other people?
–Apollon Kabahizi

April 6, 1994 the day the genocide in Rwanda began, I turned 18 the day before. The first moment in history that I distinctly remember was the Challenger exploding the second the Rwandan Genocide. I remember standing in my kitchen baking cookies, I was grounded for smoking cigarettes, and the image of a river running blood red filled with bodies flashed before my eyes. Even at the selfish age of 18 I was angry that no one was doing anything I was angry that the media, governments and the UN refused to call it what it was: Genocide Once again we are reminded the dark deeds humanity is able to achieve. This should have been a wake up call to my generation, to all of us but we enjoy our passivity and refused to be inconvenienced by other peoples problems until they become out own, and then we want instant resolution without struggle.

Over the weekend I traveled with Beth, Jeff and Josh to Kigali, Rwanda to visit memorials of this dark mark on our world history.

Kigali Genocide Memorial

The first memorial we visited is now home to the graves of 250,000 victims on the genocide. Gardens surround the graves and buildings, each garden symbolic such as the Children’s garden 11 mass graves were created, many of the coffins and tombs hold the remains of multiple people and families.

Once inside, the exhibit artfully simplifies the complicated events before, during, and after the genocide.

The Photo Room

I entered an octagon shaped room. On each side there are two steps leading up six separate cubbyholes where two walls meet at 90 degrees. It is in these cubbyholes where 2,000 images of victims hang. I sit on a small stool gazing at the images. There are photos documenting lives of all these people who died. Some are happy and some are sullen. Some of them are taken from government issued ID cards that included the tribe of the owner of course, sentencing him or her to death. I slowly turn around and realize that I have become part of the exhibit that I have become one of the faces, I am involved I am part of it. That no matter where in the world these events take places we are involved because we are human. It is our responsibility and we must take action. The international community fails again and again. We always claim later that we didn’t know or there was nothing that we could have done. We did it after the holocaust, in Cambodia, Afghanistan, and Rwanda. With mumbled apologies we pour money in to cover out guilt.

The clothing room

Clothing hangs vertically casting the illusions of the shapes of people who used to wear them. There is an image above one of the display cases it is a white Adidas shell toe with baby blue stripes. Ironically I had the same pair in 1994. Video plays on one wall. Survivors remember their experiences. One young woman says “I have hope they are children and grandchildren will have a better life, for mine is already destroyed.” The emotional trauma will be passed along to every generation following a darkness washed over a country a sadness permeating everything like a weed. I hope and pray that the dark cloud will dissipate over future generations. and that with time and restoration future generations will have the capacity to move past this horrific event.

Another “You cannot forgive if your do not know who to forgive”. How are you supposed to move on if you are constantly surrounded by people who may or may not have killed your family? How are you supposed to forgive when you do not know which neighbor killed your family?


The bone room

Skulls line cases around a dimly lit room, tool marks can be seen as slices or holes in the bones. Bones from legs, arms and ribs fill other cases as barely visible images of victims are projected onto the dark gray walls fading slowly into each other while the names of victims are read in a soft monotone breaking the silence of the near dark room.

The Children

Sitting in the children’s room the walls are vibrant orange providing a feeling of hopefulness for the future. Children’s photos grace the wall details of the child listed below it. After working for a year on child sponsorship it is information that I am well versed in until the last line under each photograph:



Age: 12
Favourite sport: Swimming
Favourite food: Eggs and chips
Favourite drink: Milk and Fanta tropical
Best friend: Her elder sister Claudette
Cause of death: Hacked by machete
Others are different and include
Shot to the head

Or the last thing said:
“mother where can I run?

It is children like these that I am helping only they are lucky they are alive and it is only in the North where they face this type of inhumanity.

There will be no humanity without forgiveness with out justice. But justice will be impossible without humanity. – Yolande Mukagasana

Suggestion to Lonely Planet

A couple of months ago my friends and i decided to take a road trip to Rwanda. Now most of us can easily transistion to drive on either side of the road or car or both. After awhile its all the same. But as we drove across the border into Rwanda we quickly realized we did not know what side to we drive on? The teacher in the group started looking rapidly through the lonely planet I was looking for any indication on the road and the driver was well concentrating on driving. luckily the front seat passenger saw a guy motioning for us to move to the right side of the road and a few moments later a semi truck came barreling down the lane we were just in. After some screams we burst out laughing and the tension broke.

So my question is why doesn't lonely planet list left side vs. right side driving in instruction on the very first page with population and currency? Following the rule of who was the colonial power doesn't work just look at Mozambique.

New Mobile

I lasted four weeks in the US before surrendering to the mobile handcuffs. I ave a vague recollection of life before mobile technology. Somehow I survived my teens years without carrying a phone with me..... and I always found the party. I remember wandering around Europe excited that I could make plans to meet people in cities through email, this was before you could pop in a $2 sim and have a local number.


The emails went something like this: Hey I'm leaving Crete. Are you still in Greece? meet me at the port in Santorini Tuesday ill be on the morning ferry. If i don't see you there i am going to be watching the sunset in IA at least three times next week see you there.


that was it we didn't stress or text 40 more times. so i know that i can live and manage my life wife out the mobile handcuffs I am just making my life a little bit easier with them.


so to make something simple complicated.... (uganda must have taught me well) when all i am trying to say is I gave in and have a new number email me if you want an updated way to reach me 24/7

back in the states

I've been back in the states for almost three weeks. i have loved seeing old friends and eating real Mexican, not our Ugandan version of Mexican food. I love that the beef here tastes the way my body thinks it should. I will forever and always love trader joes and costco. I have been bundled up since I got on the plane in Entebbe. A few days ago a friend posted a simple word on facebook "Kenya" my heart gave a little leap and I physically longed for the heat and humidity that drove me nuts so many days. Do we ever find contentment or is it in our discontent that drives us?